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This is Bull@#%&!!! » Tikisworld

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Sep 19

This is Bull@#%&!!!

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About four weeks ago my favorite human (the female biped) went missing for a few days, no biggie, I understand that she travels for work and I respect that. Unfortunately that usually means I am left alone with the male biped, a truly loathsome creature whom I despise. Strangely this time he was also missing for most of the time, I thought nothing of it, I mean hey the less time with that schmuck the better, know what I mean? A couple days passed when much to my surprise I was awoken from a glorious slumber and forced to leave both my bed and my brownstone. Outside I was greeted by the female biped, it was nice to see her, but she was holding some type of small humanoid being. It didn’t appear to be entirely sentient so I thought nothing of it, a useless, chubby pile of flesh and underdeveloped organs is nothing remarkable to me. Here’s where it starts to get interesting, the bipeds keep trying to get me to interact and acknowledge the flesh pile. Cool, great, I get it, you want me to appear interested in this helpless organism just before you discard it into the appropriate waste depository bin. What happened next is something I will never forget or forgive, the bipeds have accepted, what I have now come to realize is their offspring, into our home. I can’t even call this thing a biped, it appears to be completely incapable of using it’s legs for any type of mobility, it’s kind of like a blob-o-ped, it just lies on the ground, moving, but going nowhere.

I’ve now done my research and understand that both man and woman are required for human procreation. The male biped fooling the female biped with some clever ruse, thus resulting in a nine month pregnancy and birth of child, is the only logical assumption. Once again the male biped lives to disturb me, my hatred for him is undying and in time my wrath will be felt.

Now, what’s done is done, the child is here, and despite all of my subtle suggestions, it looks like he’ll be around for a while. It’s time to face reality and extrapolate the effects that this child will have on me. I’ve discovered that commonly human offspring remain in the parental home for 18 years on average. That’s 18 years of hard time for me, and before you say it yes I will live that long, pekingeses are magical creatures and never expire (The science behind this is still murky, but it breaks down to something about expending zero energy leading to prolonged life.) As a small dog, most of my concerns lie in the personal safety realm, below are my findings.

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Looks like life is about to get a bit more risky for good old Tiki. Wish me well dear readers, I may have an unending life expectancy, but I ask you, is a life under the perpetual threat of toddler harassment a life worth living? We shall see, we shall see…

 

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