Mar 19

I Turned Ten Yesterday… GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Some people love birthdays, some people hate them. For me, like most things in life, I don’t really care. When we’re young we love the excitement and attention, when we’re old we are reminded of the extent of our aging. Again, who cares? Come on humans get over yourselves! Every day is millions of people’s birthday and you want a cake, presents and a song? Grow up. Cake is gross anyways, give me a bucket of smelly meat any day over the putrid smell of sugar and flour. If you’re one of the people upset about your rapidly progressing age, well you need to suck it up too. Boo hoo, you’re getting old, deal with it. Look on the bright side the older you get the less you can do and trust me doing nothing is the way to go.

I’ve learned over the years that you silly humans need to personify us animals, you can’t just let us be ourselves. You give us names, clothes and pretend you know what we’re thinking. The fact that you are here should be proof that you clearly have no idea what goes on in our small furry craniums. Recently I learned that even though I am ten, you simple bipeds like to assign an age to me in “human years.” So stupid. According to the internet’s calculations I am 64 in human years. I guess what I always assumed was 10 years was a little longer than I thought. I went through some of my old photos and found a little photographic evidence.



Here I am in what I’ve recently learned is referred to as the 1950’s. Look at me wide eyed and full of hope, ready to take on the world. Those were the days, when dogs were dogs. We drove our Cadillacs, drank our whiskey and oh my the dames back then. I have no idea who these two people are in this photo.



Ah the 60’s. The times they were a changin’. Peace, love and happiness, that was the attitude back then. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about the hippie movement, but anyone who prefers to “sit in” as opposed to “doing anything,” is cool in my book. I don’t know where I am or who this is in the photo, probably some pro violence festival I mean look at that rebel rouser most likely spouting pro Viet Nam war propaganda, surrounded by a mob of obvious war mongers.



The 70’s, I’m not gonna lie, I spaced out for most of this decade. I think I spent ten straight years on this dance floor drifting in and out of consciousness. Not sure who that guy is but I remember him constantly dancing. Seriously who dances, what a dork.


berlin wall

The 80’s, what an amazing moment in this picture, so much emotion, so much energy. A country reunited, a people liberated. But enough about that, I remember this nap, it was glorious. That is until that jerk with the pickaxe decided to pretend he was Thor. Walls are there for a reason, whatever is on the other side of them is simply not worth the effort.


oj bronco

The 90’s, yeah… things got a little weird here to say the least. So there was this guy named OJ and… I think you probably know the rest of the story. I still can’t believe he forgot me on the roof of his Bronco, so inconsiderate, other than that a great guy though.



The 2000’s, Change! That was the motto of the day. Stay the Same and Do Nothing! That’s mine. Change is so overrated, it requires so much physical and/or mental effort. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like the other guy either, Cheney I think his name was? His buddy George sure liked to party though, that guy was a good time.


walking dead

Which bring us to the near future. I hate to break it to you humans but you guys need to calm down. If you don’t take it easy and soak up the sun every once in a while I don’t see this ending well for you. Us pekingeses, we’ve mastered the art of longevity and survival. Take it from me, what ever you are considering undertaking today, stop, lie down, take a light nap, sleep for a good 3-4 days, whatever it was it wasn’t worth the effort.




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