Jan 31

Ok, it was me… Ha Ha Ha!

Ask yourself, are you really all that surprised? Who in the world would have that kind of free time to invest in a three year hoax? Me, that’s who. Go ahead feel bad for poor old Manti if you like, but trust me he had it coming. I’ve known Manti for most of my life, we’re from the same town Laie in Hawaii. Let me explain, yes I am a pekingese and thus that makes me Chinese, however, since I am named TIKI I am clearly of island descent. It all started back in 2008 when Manti and I were in high school back at Punahou High. I was a young strapping pup, you have to agree, I was looking pretty good back then.

I was finally emerging from that awkward stage and was growing up into a real dog. Feeling a sudden boost of confidence I decided I would try out for the school football team. Sure I didn’t have a ton of experience, in fact I had never played football before, in fact I had never actually run before (I’m lazy), but I decided to throw caution to the wind and give it my pathetic all. Manti and I were never friends, in fact he had always been fairly mean to me throughout our formative years. Countless times he would use a vacuum cleaner near my locker just to see me jump. I’m a dog, we can’t help it, those things are terrifying!

The day of tryouts came and I showed up ready to play. I was a long shot to make the team but I didn’t care, I was taking life by the reigns and damn it I was going to make that team! Until I saw the trophy the team would be playing for. One of the most offensive sights these rarely opened eyes have ever seen. An absolute disgrace to my proud lineage. The trophy was adorned with a Tiki head.

Dejected, embarrassed, humiliated, I slumped away from the field, my opportunity to prove my worth on the grid iron undisplayed. That was one of the darkest days of my short life, a day I vowed to never forget. I promised myself two things that day. One, I promised myself that no matter what the prize, no matter the situation, I would never allow myself again to consider exercising. Clearly this was a sign that I am simply not meant for the calisthenic arts. Two, I vowed to one day exact my revenge on Manti Te’o.

Star player at Notre Dame, playing in a national championship, things were going pretty good for you there Manti huh? Little did you know that a plot had been brewing for years. That a simple pekingese would exact such payment for your high school crimes. Well Manti, you reap what you sew, and remember next time your phone rings is it really the person you think it is? Maybe it is, and maybe it’s a one foot tall furry revenge machine. Ha. Ha ha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

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