Stairs are the Creation of the Devil.

I made it this far, you do the rest. Seriously, I have a two step maximum and even that’s pushing it. Who in their right mind decided to make buildings more than one floor? Once this horrendous decision was made this forced all architects to use the bane of my existence… Stairs. You have to understand I am under a foot tall, so traveling between floors is equivalent to climbing a small mountain because you want to sleep upstairs (we don’t sleep by ourselves, it’s a dog thing, get over it). I live in Brooklyn, sure it’s great if you love hipsters, pizza and all things trendy, unfortunately though space is quite the premium. What does this mean? I live on the third floor of a brownstone, which means every time I am forced to go outside, I must then traverse three sets of stairs, because oh yeah, bonus round, there’s a stoop. The Pekingese is considered to be an ideal apartment dog because they don’t require frequent trips outside and don’t need a lot of space. At this point I’m ready to throw all that out the window and move to a nice single story ranch in Omaha. I could be a farm dog, I could rustle up stubborn calfs. Yeah… maybe not, but this remains an unacceptable situation! If you desire me on a different floor than the one I am currently on, I offer you a simple solution, pick me up and carry me.

I’ve seen this construction a few times in my life, stairs and escalators, or as I like to call it the “Intelligence Sorter.” Competent living beings to the side and idiots up the middle. You have to be completely out of your mind to choose the effort of climbing stairs over the easy breezy ride of the glorious escalator. If it was up to me, and it should be, I would remove the steps all together and make it an elevator surrounded by escalators. And don’t get me started on this thing called a “Stairmaster.” So you’ve decided that as a recreational activity you are going to climb an endless set of stairs. Clearly decision making is not your strong suit. Let me give you a hand with your life, here’s a chair. Get it together humans.