Mar 19

I Turned Ten Yesterday… GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Some people love birthdays, some people hate them. For me, like most things in life, I don’t really care. When we’re young we love the excitement and attention, when we’re old we are reminded of the extent of our aging. Again, who cares? Come on humans get over yourselves! Every day is millions of people’s birthday and you want a cake, presents and a song? Grow up. Cake is gross anyways, give me a bucket of smelly meat any day over the putrid smell of sugar and flour. If you’re one of the people upset about your rapidly progressing age, well you need to suck it up too. Boo hoo, you’re getting old, deal with it. Look on the bright side the older you get the less you can do and trust me doing nothing is the way to go.

I’ve learned over the years that you silly humans need to personify us animals, you can’t just let us be ourselves. You give us names, clothes and pretend you know what we’re thinking. The fact that you are here should be proof that you clearly have no idea what goes on in our small furry craniums. Recently I learned that even though I am ten, you simple bipeds like to assign an age to me in “human years.” So stupid. According to the internet’s calculations I am 64 in human years. I guess what I always assumed was 10 years was a little longer than I thought. I went through some of my old photos and found a little photographic evidence.



Here I am in what I’ve recently learned is referred to as the 1950’s. Look at me wide eyed and full of hope, ready to take on the world. Those were the days, when dogs were dogs. We drove our Cadillacs, drank our whiskey and oh my the dames back then. I have no idea who these two people are in this photo.



Ah the 60’s. The times they were a changin’. Peace, love and happiness, that was the attitude back then. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about the hippie movement, but anyone who prefers to “sit in” as opposed to “doing anything,” is cool in my book. I don’t know where I am or who this is in the photo, probably some pro violence festival I mean look at that rebel rouser most likely spouting pro Viet Nam war propaganda, surrounded by a mob of obvious war mongers.



The 70’s, I’m not gonna lie, I spaced out for most of this decade. I think I spent ten straight years on this dance floor drifting in and out of consciousness. Not sure who that guy is but I remember him constantly dancing. Seriously who dances, what a dork.


berlin wall

The 80’s, what an amazing moment in this picture, so much emotion, so much energy. A country reunited, a people liberated. But enough about that, I remember this nap, it was glorious. That is until that jerk with the pickaxe decided to pretend he was Thor. Walls are there for a reason, whatever is on the other side of them is simply not worth the effort.


oj bronco

The 90’s, yeah… things got a little weird here to say the least. So there was this guy named OJ and… I think you probably know the rest of the story. I still can’t believe he forgot me on the roof of his Bronco, so inconsiderate, other than that a great guy though.



The 2000’s, Change! That was the motto of the day. Stay the Same and Do Nothing! That’s mine. Change is so overrated, it requires so much physical and/or mental effort. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like the other guy either, Cheney I think his name was? His buddy George sure liked to party though, that guy was a good time.


walking dead

Which bring us to the near future. I hate to break it to you humans but you guys need to calm down. If you don’t take it easy and soak up the sun every once in a while I don’t see this ending well for you. Us pekingeses, we’ve mastered the art of longevity and survival. Take it from me, what ever you are considering undertaking today, stop, lie down, take a light nap, sleep for a good 3-4 days, whatever it was it wasn’t worth the effort.




Mar 13

There’s No Way This Pekingese is Getting Out Done by a Worm.


OK Dennis, I see what you you did over in North Korea. Very impressive. Way to really throw the pundits for a loop. You really shocked the country, middle America just doesn’t know what to think of your recent sojourn into North Korea. You stole the front pages of all the newspapers across the good old US of A. What could you possibly do nex… BABAAAMM!!! I’ll see your Kim Jong Un and raise you an Ahmadinejad and a recently deceased Hugo Chavez!!! Wow Mr. Rodman you went and visited one of the people the United States is keeping a close eye on… AMAZING (SARCASM!!!!!!!!), well I just saw two of ‘em!! Sure one of them isn’t exactly posing a major threat these days but at one point in time he was right up there buddy, you better believe it! You have one Bond villain, I have two, how do you like them apples? Sure you used to play basketball, you even won a few championships, but let’s be real you were always known more for your antics off the court. Your wild personality was always center stage, whether you were wearing women’s clothes, getting piercings/tatoos or dying your hair, you where always the main eve…


That’s right, read ‘em and weep sucka!!! You can’t out do me, I’m in the paint pulling down boards all over you! There’s nothing you can do that I can’t do better Worm. I’m all over you like… Rodman on a rebound? Hmmm… that last reference was kind of awkward, but it just seemed to fit so well. Perhaps I have underestimated you Senor Worm, what say you we meet in Pyongyang and let bygones be bygones?

Just kidding, ha! I own you and your little dictator friend. USA! USA! USA!


Feb 28

I Had a Great Time on the Carnival Triumph!!!

triumph deck

I just spent five days aboard a floating paradise and I can’t wait to set sail again as soon as possible! The weather was perfect, what else do you expect when you’re in the Gulf of Mexico, know what I mean?! The food, terrific, I don’t know exactly what it was the chef had done to prepare the food, but wow is all I can say, it had such a sour earthy taste to it. The party seen was also truly a sight to behold, the entire ship was a literal hive of energy. I can tell you this, no one slept aboard the Carnival Triumph! As for the accommodations, I have to be honest, before I set paw aboard the massive cruiseliner I was a little bit concerned. Trust me the Triumph did not disappoint! My room wasn’t that spacious but I was quickly alerted by various helpful crew members that all of the passengers were suddenly allowed to sleep outside on the deck! Talk about living it up! Basking in the sun all day, sleeping wherever you fall, roaming around aimlessly, what did I do right to get this perk?! For some reason I truly do not understand, some of my fellow passengers chose other sleeping options, some people don’t know what they’re missing out on.


The only good thing about being indoors was perhaps the smell. Oh the glorious smell, rancid, rotting food, body odor, and the poop, simply amazing, there was poop everywhere. So yeah, quite simply canine heaven! You can imagine how surprised I was when we returned home to hear that my vacation of a lifetime had been deemed something of a catastrophe. Crazy talk. If you ask this dog, Carnival has a customer for life!!!!!


Jan 31

Ok, it was me… Ha Ha Ha!

Ask yourself, are you really all that surprised? Who in the world would have that kind of free time to invest in a three year hoax? Me, that’s who. Go ahead feel bad for poor old Manti if you like, but trust me he had it coming. I’ve known Manti for most of my life, we’re from the same town Laie in Hawaii. Let me explain, yes I am a pekingese and thus that makes me Chinese, however, since I am named TIKI I am clearly of island descent. It all started back in 2008 when Manti and I were in high school back at Punahou High. I was a young strapping pup, you have to agree, I was looking pretty good back then.

I was finally emerging from that awkward stage and was growing up into a real dog. Feeling a sudden boost of confidence I decided I would try out for the school football team. Sure I didn’t have a ton of experience, in fact I had never played football before, in fact I had never actually run before (I’m lazy), but I decided to throw caution to the wind and give it my pathetic all. Manti and I were never friends, in fact he had always been fairly mean to me throughout our formative years. Countless times he would use a vacuum cleaner near my locker just to see me jump. I’m a dog, we can’t help it, those things are terrifying!

The day of tryouts came and I showed up ready to play. I was a long shot to make the team but I didn’t care, I was taking life by the reigns and damn it I was going to make that team! Until I saw the trophy the team would be playing for. One of the most offensive sights these rarely opened eyes have ever seen. An absolute disgrace to my proud lineage. The trophy was adorned with a Tiki head.

Dejected, embarrassed, humiliated, I slumped away from the field, my opportunity to prove my worth on the grid iron undisplayed. That was one of the darkest days of my short life, a day I vowed to never forget. I promised myself two things that day. One, I promised myself that no matter what the prize, no matter the situation, I would never allow myself again to consider exercising. Clearly this was a sign that I am simply not meant for the calisthenic arts. Two, I vowed to one day exact my revenge on Manti Te’o.

Star player at Notre Dame, playing in a national championship, things were going pretty good for you there Manti huh? Little did you know that a plot had been brewing for years. That a simple pekingese would exact such payment for your high school crimes. Well Manti, you reap what you sew, and remember next time your phone rings is it really the person you think it is? Maybe it is, and maybe it’s a one foot tall furry revenge machine. Ha. Ha ha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Dec 20

Tiki the Red Nosed Pekingese

Well I’m back from my vacation and boys was it exhausting, nothing but eating and sleeping all day, all night. I guess it’s true what they say, no rest for the perpetually weary. Needless to say I was not happy to return home but what can I do when I’m thrown into a car and transported across state lines like some season 3 DVD of “Friends” some schlub just bought off Amazon for $15. I am a majestic creature and deserve to be treated as such. However, there was one pleasant surprise awaiting my arrival back in Brooklyn. It seems to be that weird time of year when the bipeds for some reason put a tree in the middle of the living room. While I am not one for festivities (simply to much effort), I do quite enjoy sleeping under said tree. I’m not sure what it is I like so much about it, but I’ll be darned, that’s where I will be for the next month. Perhaps the rustic outdoor nature of the tree triggers something in my natural animal instincts to spark, harkening back to a time when I… HAHAHA, I can barely even type this without laughing, imagine me with animal instincts, haha. My natural instincts more closely resemble those of a cushion than of a wild animal. Imagine me out on some plain, covered in mud, fending for myself desperately hunting down my next life sustaining meal. Ugh, shoot me now. Yeah, that sounds fun and all, but I’ll be right over here sleeping under this tree.

Nov 13

I’m on Vacation

Pass me a Mai Tai.

Well, the bipeds are off on some trip, China I think it was they mentioned, I never really listen to them very much, if it’s not one thing it’s another, sit, stay, eat, wake up… it never ends. Anyways, what does that mean for me, I’m headed off to my vacation home in Boston, I don’t know what it is but I feel so alive there. I actually enjoy strolling around the yard, waking up early in the morning, demanding food, it’s weird I know, but I don’t know what gets over me once I get there.  Any who, what does that mean for you? Unfortunately I’m not going to have computer access while away, so you’re just going to have to figure out something to do with yourselves for a little while. I promise as soon as I return from my vacation I’ll get right back to writing, unless of course I fall asleep, then all bets are off.

Nov 08

Your President In A Perfect World

You humans amuse me, you really do. I recently discovered that you do something called an election to choose who will be your new leader, at least here in what I believe is called the Unified Regions of American or something. I find this concept to be hilarious. Look at it from my point of view, all I want to do is chill, stay in my bed, not move for perhaps days at a time, pretty basic. Unfortunately for me I have these two biped roommates, constantly trying to get me to do things, got out for a walk, eat, breath, open my eyes, blink my eyes, it never ends! These are two tyrant dictators that have been thrust upon me against my will, yet you humans openly accept and desire leadership. Then I learned that this seems to be a topic of great debate over who it is will control you for the subsequent four years. Wake up humans, taxes, war, spending, none of these are worthwhile issues within the confines of one’s bed nestled deep within a magical wonderland of slumber. As my great great grandfather Abraham Tikidiah once said, “Resuscitation without hibernation is tyranny!”

Allow me to suggest perhaps a new form of leadership for you simple back-leg-walkers, not a democracy, or monarchy or dictatorship, but a new revolutionary form of government tailored specifically for those who desire to live without the reigns of government tugged at their leash. ANARTIKI! That’s right, do whatever you want! You want to sleep, well then sleep, you want to go for a walk, enjoy, just let me and my followers be. The benefits of a no party system are abundant, never waking up means taxes never need to be paid, unconsciousness negates any need for healthcare and how can any government possibly overspend if it is constantly counting sheep? Think about it my children you have four years to open your eyes, or better yet to leave them shut.

Nov 01

Halloween… Seriously?

Last night I was kidnapped by from my bed and forced by the bipeds to sit on this step, in this outfit for 90 minutes. I was told that is some sort of tradition, a tradition I don’t necessarily need to be a part of. As for the dining options for the evening, chocolate. WTF!!!! Do they even know I can’t eat chocolate?! Perhaps if you are going to force a dog to sit outside (of his bed) at the very least he could be provided with some sort of bacon related cuisine. Chocolate sucks kids, you should look those who offer it to you in the face as you publicly shame them for such an insult. And don’t get me started at this whole costume thing. Fine if you want to dress up like Spiderman, Captain America, some sort of Beyonce/Iron Man hybrid, FDR, fine, have at you, do as you like, but… LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! I am a dog, I am literally covered in fur. I have a costume I can never take off, I dress up like the wolfman every day.

I suggest that next year at this time we celebrate Tikiween, and let me sleep for the love of God. Do you have any idea how winded I was after sitting there for 90 minutes being petted like some sort of common stuffed animal? I may not behave as such, but I am very much alive and should be treated with the dignity and respect that a  semi-animate object deserves.

Oct 30

Who likes hurricanes?! No one.

I’m not that strong of a swimmer.

I live in Brooklyn and the two bipeds that I live will have been talking a lot about this hurricane Sandy that apparently just swept through town. In the interest of full disclosure let me get this out of the way, I pretty much slept through the whole thing. I know most dogs get scared and run and hide when there’s a storm, but therein lies the problem… hiding, awesome, running, not so much. If I need to hide, well then put a box over me and call me hidden, until then I’ll just be in my bed, or wherever it was I fell asleep on my way to my bed. I did go out at some point last night during the storm for my usual 20-25 foot walk and everything seemed fine until I came across a branch approximately 6-7 inches off the ground. Now as I mentioned before, I don’t do physical exertion. What to do, what to do? Over the years I’ve picked up a little trick (I highly recommend trying it out), if you come across something difficult, stop in your tracks and lie down, eventually someone will come and carry you where you want to go. Works every time. Anyways back to hurricane Sandy, which is by the way perhaps the worst hurricane name ever, this is all I picture every time I hear those two words…


That’s Sandy Duncan for you young folks out there in Tikisworld.

I find it hilarious that all the reporters were requesting people to stay at home and indoors, haha DEAL! Oh so basically you want me to not change my daily schedule whatsoever, I’ll just try to manage. Question for all you quasi philosophers out there, if you sleep through a hurricane, did it ever really happen?

On a serious note, I got lucky, some of my dogs out there didn’t, tonight I shall snore a little louder for thee.

Oct 23

Yeah Yeah Yeah… I’m Online.

Don't wake me up.

Sleep > everything.

So I woke up this morning from my 22 hour extended nap and had a lot on my mind, since I don’t speak english I though this would be a good place for a dog to speak his mind. First off, a little bit about me, I’m nine years old, I’m covered in fur, and lets just say I’m not the most active canine in the world. If I could describe my perfect day it would be me with my eyes closed… all day. Eating’s cool don’t get me wrong, but if sleep is on the line well then get out of my way because the snore train is pulling into town. If you try to take me on a walk, just know that I hate you.

Even though I am only about a foot tall I have a lot of views on various topics in the world  and I feel its high time my labored voice be heard (In case you didn’t get it by now, I’m lazy). This is where I will be posting my opinions on current events, movies, other dogs, neuro science all sorts of stuff, so be sure to check back soon. Buckle up, it’s going to be a ridiculously lethargic ride!

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